At some point in all of our lives, things become painful. Nobody is immune to difficulties and challenges. We are who we are because of our family makeup, everything that we have seen, lost, experienced and gone through until now. Some people have had very traumatic pasts and it is easier to identify where problems began. For others it’s difficult to pinpoint what is holding you back, but all you know is that you want things to change and need some help. Whatever you are going through, you don’t have to deal with it alone. By looking courageously and carefully at your life alongside another person gives you the opportunity to work things out in a way that isn’t always possible alone or even with people close to you. You can develop better, healthier strategies to cope with your emotions and the things that are happening to you now.
Many people are reluctant to start therapy because of the misconception that you’ll be forced to talk about things you don’t feel ready for or to re-open difficult past experiences you’d rather put behind you. This is the opposite of what good therapy is about. Therapy can only work when it is collaborative. You are in control of how much you choose to say and when.
What happens in therapy?
The complex process of therapy makes it challenging to explain what happens in sessions and how it can play such a powerful role in your life, but when you experience change happen, it makes sense. I have had the privilege of being part of this many times with clients. Something shifts and you begin to see your life, your choices and your possibilities differently. With the right tools and commitment, things can improve as you begin to feel unstuck.
There are lots of writers and therapists that inspire me. In particular the work of Irvin Yalom from one of his many great books ‘A Gift of Therapy’. It describes a great deal about a good therapeutic relationship and should help you understand a part of what therapy is about and the way I practice.
“There are many ways to describe the therapeutic relationship: patient/therapist, client/ counsellor…I prefer to think of my clients as fellow travelers, a term that abolishes all distinction between ‘them’ as the afflicted and ‘us’ as the healers”
“We are all in this together and there is no therapist or person immune to the inherent tragedies of existence”
“Psychotherapy is not a substitute for life, but a dress rehearsal for life”
“The closeness of the therapeutic relationship serves many purposes. It is a safe place to reveal who you are as fully as possible. More than that, it gives you the experience of being accepted and understood after deep disclosures”
Longer term Psychotherapy
For some adults and often when working with children, it is important to understand our past to know how it is impacting our present and how we can then change our future.
Understanding is not the same as re-experiencing. Instead it means looking back at your life with an open and compassionate attitude and then applying what you learn to the areas you want to improve in the here and now. This link between our past and present is a guide for much of the work that happens in therapy. To read more about this type of work, look to Sue Gerhardt, Why Love Matters?
“Therapy is a chance to grow up again”
“Our early experiences form our characteristic ways of relating to other people and coping with the ebb and flow of emotions…They are the bones of emotional life, hidden and outside awareness-the invisible history of each individual. These patterns orient our lives in a particular direction and this direction can be changed through therapy”
“Therapy offers a different kind of cure. Through establishing a personal relationship for the only purpose of therapy, the individual can explore the way he or she is in relation to other people and can attempt to modify old emotional habits and introduce new ones. But emotional habits take time to form and time to change. Together with the therapist, new emotional networks can be developed”
Short-term Cognitive Behavioural therapy
Not everyone wants or needs to understand themselves in this fuller picture to see change happen. It is not always the extent of trauma we have experienced that determines how we deal with life, but sometimes it is the way we contextualise and understand the things that have happened to us that effect how we cope. This is the part that can change through therapy which can help you live life differently. You may only have a limited amount of time or your issue is more clearly identifiable. You might come to therapy with specific goals you wish to achieve. In this case a more Cognitive Behavioural approach can help you re-structure the thoughts and emotions holding you back and often causing stress, fear, anxiety and unhappiness.
This more structured approach is based on the idea that:
“It is not the situation which determines how we feel but the meaning we attach to the situation”
Once we adopt this view of our experiences, it brings a freedom and belief that anything can change.